How to Effectively Silence Self-Criticism
You can start by listening to what your inner critic is trying to say.
You know that inner voice — the one that shows up the moment you falter. It doesn’t wait for the dust to settle. It pounces.
“You should’ve known better.”
“You always do this.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
It’s relentless. Familiar. Sometimes so familiar we mistake it for truth.
We call it the inner critic, but self-criticism isn’t a feature — it’s a learned pattern. And while it may have once served to keep us in line, win approval, or avoid rejection, it often leaves us feeling small, broken, and stuck.
Today, I want to invite you to look at that voice with a different lens — not to silence it by force, but to listen with curiosity. What is that part of you really trying to say? What does it need?
You’ve likely been there before.
You missed a deadline.
Broke a promise to yourself.
Said something you regret.
That wave of disappointment hits — and before you even have time to breathe, the commentary starts.
Take a moment to recall one of those instances. Something recent. Something that still stings a little. Now ask yourself:
What did you say to yourself in that moment?
What tone did your inner voice take?
And how did those words make you feel?
If you're like me, that inner dialogue wasn’t exactly kind. Or helpful.
Self-criticism rarely is. It doesn’t solve problems. It punishes.
Not because we’re bad — but because, somewhere along the way, we learned that being hard on ourselves was the price of being “better.”
But what if there’s another way?
What if, instead of berating ourselves into change, we learned how to care ourselves into growth?
Self-criticism isn’t random. It follows patterns — often shaped by early experiences, unmet needs, or inherited expectations.
Most of the messages your inner critic sends fall into one of three categories:
1. Expectations
“You should be further along by now.”
“You should’ve seen this coming.”
These are the “shoulds” — you should’ve done more, tried harder, known better. They masquerade as motivation but often carry the weight of perfectionism. Instead of encouraging growth, they exhaust you.
2. Value Judgments
“If I feel this way, something must be wrong with me.”
“People will think I’m lazy or incapable.”
These messages go deeper. They don’t just critique what you did — they attack who you are. They paint emotions as weakness and flaws as proof of inadequacy.
3. Fear-Based Predictions
“If you keep this up, you’ll lose everything.”
“No one will love you if you mess this up again.”
This is the voice of impending doom. It tries to scare you into behaving by forecasting failure or abandonment.
Each of these messages is driven by shame. Not the kind that helps you grow — but the kind that convinces you you’re unworthy unless you perform, conform, or succeed.
This voice wasn’t born with you — it was built as an a kaleidoscope of the voices of authority figures from your early life: parents, teachers, caregivers. If they were harsh, demanding, or critical — even in subtle ways — you internalized those tones as a strategy for survival.
You learned that meeting expectations earned you love.
That messing up risked connection with those you cared about or depended on.
That shame could keep you “safe.”
So your nervous system did what it does best — it adapted — and the mind created an echo that would police you before the outside world had the chance. It wasn’t cruel at first. It was protective.
“If I catch my mistake first, they won’t get mad.”
“If I criticize myself, they won’t reject me.”
“If I’m hard on myself, I’ll get better.”
But over time, this voice became automatic.
Unquestioned. Loud. Constant.
And while many believe that they owe their success to this inner critic, I would argue that many of us get to where we are in spite of it.
Self-criticism doesn’t make you stronger — it makes you smaller.
Instead of feeling energized to change, you feel depleted. Why? Because when you’re under attack — even from yourself — you go into defense or shutdown.
You can’t grow while bracing for impact.
Self-critical thoughts aren’t neutral — they skew reality. They exaggerate flaws, ignore strengths, and generalize setbacks. “You always mess this up.” “Nothing you do ever works.”
This isn’t insight. It’s internalized shame dressed up as logic.
Over time, repeated criticism builds a belief: “I’m not good enough.” That belief becomes a lens. You start seeing the world through it — assuming judgment, shrinking from opportunity, and distrusting support.
You might even push people away preemptively, criticizing yourself before they can — a defense disguised as humility.
So What’s the Alternative?
If self-criticism weakens us, what actually helps us grow?
It’s not more pressure. Or more punishment.
It’s compassion. For ourselves.
Self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook — it’s about staying on your own side while you grow. It’s what helps you learn instead of spiral. Repair instead of retreat. Begin again instead of give up.
It doesn’t silence the inner critic with force. It listens, then gently rewrites the script. Instead of turning yourself into a scapegoat, self-compassion teaches you to forgive yourself and break the negative self-talk loop. And through this practice, we begin to show up for ourselves in ways that makes us feel seen, held and safe.
Want to keep exploring?
Watch the full episode:
If you’re new here, welcome! This is part of the Emotional Wellbeing Series, where we learn how to build a relationship to ourselves to live more consciously. So far, we’ve been exploring the foundations of emotional intelligence — and now, we’re diving into the next layer of self-awareness, mindfulness.
👉 Whenever you are ready, you can start from the beginning here.
When your inner critic speaks up, whose voice is it really — and what might it be trying to protect you from? What shifts when you offer yourself compassion instead of critique?
I'd love to know how you're meeting yourself more gently this season.